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MR GARRISON: Now, kids, I want to talk about the fiction of J.R.R. Tolkien. He was a pitiful excuse for a man, creating imaginary worlds where black magic worked and populating them with evil creatures like Elves and Dwarves who don't exist. Don't ever read any book that he wrote, because he's an evil, Satanic figure!
KYLE: Dude, makes me wanna go read his stuff.
CARTMAN: What?! Reading sucks, you fag.
KYLE: Shut up, fatty! I'll kick your ass!
STAN: Chill out, guys. It's Grilled Cheese Day.
CHEF: Hey, children!
KIDS: Hey, Chef.
CHEF: Children, I have something important to tell you. I heard that Morgoth, Lord of Darkness is somewhere near this town.
CHEF: Children, Morgoth has kidnapped Luthien Tinuviel, the most beautiful woman to ever walk the Earth.
CARTMAN: So what? Who gives a sh*t?
CHEF: Boy, this ain't right. I want to go rescue her, and I need your help to do that.
STAN: What's in it for us?
CHEF: I'm sure if Luthien gets rescued, she'd be very grateful to us all...
KENNY: Mmmphm mmm nngh gnn.
STAN: Kenny, that's sick!
CHEF: No, children, Kenny's probably right. I tell you what--meet me after school in the parking lot, and we'll go rescue her.
[[The boys leave and sit down.]]
KYLE: This sounds dangerous.
CARTMAN: Ahh, you're just a fraidy-cat.
STAN: Why not? If she's as hot as Miss Ellen...
CARTMAN: If she is, she's probably a lesbian too...
STAN: Right. She probably wants steamy man-love like any other chick.
KYLE: But what about Morgoth, Lord of Darkness?
CARTMAN: F*ck him.
STAN: You'd like to, you fag!
KYLE: Come on, guys. Let's just go along with Chef and see what happens.
[[Later, after school, in the parking lot]]
CHEF: All right, children. I think Morgoth is holed up in the mountains north of town. Only problem is, he's guarded the gates of his palace with the most ferocious werewolf known to humans.
STAN: Oh, bullsh*t. Werewolves don't exist.
CHEF: Let's hope you're right, 'cause I ain't got no silver bullets.
KENNY: (holding up a can of Coors) Mmgh mmph gmm.
CHEF: Good thinkin', Kenny. Let's go!
[[The posse heads north into the mountains, eventually ending up at a dim, evil-looking cave.]]
STAN: Is this it? I don't see any werewolf around.
KYLE: Might as well take a look inside and see.
[[Kyle steps into the cave and flees outside in terror 3 seconds later]]
STAN: What is it, dude?
MICHAEL J. FOX: (wearing "Teen Wolf" makeup) Hi, folks.
CHEF: Oh no, it's Michael J. Fox... another washed-up actor. Damn, I'm getting tired of these guest villains.
KENNY: (holding up Coors can) Nngh mmph mmm!
MICHAEL J. FOX: Oh, thanks, kid. (Grabs can and guzzles it.) Sorry, folks, but by order of Morgoth Lord of Darkness, I have to take y'all into custody.
STAN: Yeah, right. You don't scare me!
MICHAEL J. FOX: Oh? Well, what about this?! (2 Balrogs, big fiery demons with wings, exit the cave. They take up positions behind Michael and sing backup while he segues into "If ya wanna be my lover..." in a very bad voice.)
CARTMAN: (holding hands over ears) No! Can't take any more!
[[The kids and Chef collapse and are dragged inside. They are taken to a dark cell and chained to the walls. The door slams, and it is too dark to see anything but the whites of their eyes.]]
KENNY: Gmmph nng m!
KYLE: It's just your imagination. There's nothing in here with us.
KENNY: NNNGH! (Sound of chains breaking and nasty slobbering noises. Kenny's eyeballs vanish.)
KYLE: Ohmigod, they killed Kenny!
STAN: You bastards!
[[Outside the cell. It is light enough to see again.]] MICHAEL J. FOX: I figured that you deserved something for that beer. So, I'm giving you a chance to escape the horrible fate Morgoth has planned for you. I don't know what it is, but it's probably worse than being in "Back to the Future II," so get going!
KENNY: Mmph nn.
[[Kenny wanders through dim halls and corridors for a while until he comes to a door. He opens it, and there stands Luthien, a ravishing black-haired woman wearing very little.]]
LUTHIEN: EEK! You'll not have me, foul minion of evil!
KENNY: Mm nff bvn gth...
LUTHIEN: You're not? Then what...
KENNY: V kmm thr rffoo nn.
LUTHIEN: Rescue me? But you're just a kid.
KENNY: Nnt vzt n kvd... mm rv n fnntng dnk nd mm nvw ff t vu zt.
LUTHIEN: You're kidding. I'll have to see that to believe it.
[[Kenny, with back to camera, drops pants. Luthien gasps in astonishment. The door slams. Scene changes back to the cell.]]
STAN: Dude, this sucks.
CARTMAN: Must... have... Cheesy... Poofs...
KYLE: Shut up, fatass. We'll all be dead soon, or worse, on the Home Shopping Network announcing specials on fake diamonds.
CHEF: I didn't mean to get y'all killed, but I just thought we might as well all stick together until they come for us. So I have a little song...
CARTMAN: Dammit! How can you sing at a time like this, you stupid (indeterminate bleeped-out word)!
CHEF: Boy, if I wasn't chained up, I'd whoop your ass for that.
[[Cell door opens. 2 Balrogs and Michael J. Fox walk in.]]
MICHAEL J. FOX: Morgoth will see you now. (Balrogs unchain everyone and march them through a corridor to a big throne room. Morgoth, a giant in black armor with glowing red eyes, sits on the huge throne.)
MORGOTH: So, you fools, do you have anything to say before I put you to a slow and cruel death?
STAN: Yeah, I do. If you're really the Lord of Darkness, how come I haven't heard of you before?
CARTMAN: Yeah, Satan came here a few weeks ago. I thought he was supposed to be the lord of evil.
MORGOTH: (pissed) Speak not to me of that impostor! Everybody knows he's a weak sister. In fact, he's... Saddam Hussein's gay lover!
[[Roll clip from the end of the "Mexican Staring Frog" episode which shows Satan taking Saddam by the hand and saying, "OK, honey.]]
CHEF: Now hold on here. Just because someone has a gay lover doesn't mean they can't be a lord of evil. What we need here now is more tolerance, understanding... and love...
[[Cue music. Balrogs look at each other, shrug, and start singing "oo oo" backup in the right spots.]]
Love, it makes the world go round
Love, if lost, it's gotta be found
Whether man for a woman
Or woman for a man
Or two men, or two women (my personal favorite to watch)
Or man for a sheep
Or woman for a trained snake
MORGOTH: Oh, brother. (Conks out, starts snoring.)
CHEF: Whew! That was close, children... let's get out of here and find Luthien!
KYLE: "Trained snake"?!
[[Chef and the kids run out of the throne room. The Balrogs and Michael J. Fox start to follow, but one Balrog looks at his watch and shows it to the others. They all shrug and stand around. Chef and the kids run up some stairs and find the door that Kenny entered a while ago.]]
[[Inside the room. Luthien and Kenny are lying in bed smoking cigarettes.]]
LUTHIEN: Oh, that was wonderful.
[[Outside the room.]]
CHEF: Hear that? Sounded like a woman's voice. She must be in there.
STAN: Hot chick, here I come! (Crashes through door, sees Kenny.) Ohmigod, Kenny's not dead!
KENNY: Mf krz nt, vmiss.
CHEF: (stepping into room) What? (sees Kenny) Dammit, Kenny, you horny little twerp! (Races across room, rips Kenny's head off.)
KYLE: Ohmigod, Chef killed Kenny!
STAN: You f*cking bastard!
CARTMAN: Biatch had it comin'.
CHEF: (tossing pieces of Kenny's corpse aside.) Oh... sorry, children, I don't know what came over me. (Turns to Luthien) Hey, baby. I'm Chef, and I'm here to...
CHEF: Wait a minute, baby, just calm down and I'll explain--
LUTHIEN: (crying) You don't understand. Kenny was the sweetest, most tender person I could ever imagine and now you've taken him from me... That's it! I'm through with men! (sob)
CHEF: Oh sh*t.
[[A shaft of light appears in the room, and within it are the figures of Ellen DeGeneres and Anne Heche. Cue music, lyrics:
Lesbian Heaven in the big blue sea
Where it's too cold to surf and it's too warm to ski
Lesbian Heaven is a lot... like L.A.
Luthien disappears along with the other women.]]
CARTMAN: Told you she was a lesbian, but did anybody believe me? No.
KYLE: Don't you think we should be getting out of here?
MORGOTH: (offscreen) It's too late for that, you slime! (Morgoth enters, followed by curiously reluctant Balrogs and M.J. Fox.) Take these imbeciles downstairs and make them watch the New Kids On the Block concert video!
MICHAEL J. FOX: Um, sorry to break this to you, chief, but it's 5:15-- way past quitting time. We're outta here, less you wanna deal with the Union. (Michael and the Balrogs leave.)
MORGOTH: Curses! I shall deal with you myself!
CARTMAN: Wuss. I bet Satan never has trouble with his union.
MORGOTH: Satan again? Well, little fat boy, I'll show you what I think of Satan. (Morgoth bends over, farts, and a three-foot jet of flame flies out of his ass.)
CHEF: Big deal, I did that all the time in college.
MORGOTH: So, now I will--
[[Satan appears in a cloud of fire and brimstone.]]
SATAN: Yep, me. That "Terrence and Philip" gag was the last straw. Now I shall show you who the real Lord of Evil is around these parts.
MORGOTH: You're on. Whoever's left alive at the end of this fight is the new Ultimate Evil of the Universe. (They square off and begin smacking the hell out of each other. Neither one is clearly winning.)
STAN: This is better than the WWF!
KYLE: And a lot more dangerous.
CARTMAN: Go Satan!
CHEF: Children, we should really be getting outta here.
[[The fight continues. Both Morgoth and Satan are bruised and bloody. Finally, they both land punches at the same time, and both fall to the floor senseless.]]
STAN: Damn, nobody won.
VOICE: That's what you think. (In a flash of light, the voice's owner is revealed: Special Prosecutor Ken Starr. He kicks both Morgoth and Satan square in the crotch and glares at everyone left standing.) And now that I've won, I must ask you: Have any of you ever had sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky?
CARTMAN: I haven't. (Everyone else looks sheepish.)
KEN STARR: Oh, then you don't matter. You're just a fat kid. These others have to come with me for questioning by the subcommittee and the media jackals. Now move! (Everyone except Cartman is frog-marched out the door by Ken Starr.)
CARTMAN: This is f*cking weird.
[[Setting: the Cartman home]]
MRS. CARTMAN: And what did you do today, snookums?
CARTMAN: Well, Chef and my friends got thrown in jail, and then we saw this chick get taken up to Lesbian Heaven, and Satan and this other dude fought to see who'd be the Prince of Evil, but Ken Starr won the fight.
MRS. CARTMAN: Don't lie to me! What were you really doing after school?
CARTMAN: Smokin' crack with Michael J. Fox.
MRS. CARTMAN: Oh, OK, snookums. More Snacky Cakes?
This was written with tongue firmly planted in cheek, and no offense to anyone is intended. Besides, it's just a f*cking cartoon, so lighten up already.